So today is Valentines day. YUCK! 19 years of never having a valentine is epic fail ): lols. But that just happens I suppose… I’ll be waiting till that year comes when I finally do have one. I hate seeing happy couples because I envy them. I wish that I was them and that I was in a relationship. Lols >< Just the truth. But I guess it’s a sign that the longer you wait, the better because once that year comes, it’ll mean so much more.

So anyways …

The days are going and time is not stopping. Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from the world. Just have a time to myself. So much stress so much crap. Ugh!

School is stressful and I have absolutely no motivation to go. I didn’t go to school wed/thurs/fri because I felt sick/lazy/and not motivated. It’s really bad since I’m on academic probation and I should be going but I’m just not in it anymore. I’d rather stay home. (I don’t mean it but sometimes I do)

Work is honestly better then school. At least at work I don’t have to just sit there and be bored out of my mind learning about nothing. But work is still stressful. I’m getting pretty drained from going to work and school at the same time. But honestly, I have to make a living somehow right? Anyways, my boss is kinda interesting I suppose. But no comment. -____-

Blah. I’m scared that I’m going to start going back to my old ways when I was in high school. :/ That’s all I’m going to say

“If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes”

MY BROTHER PISSES ME OFF. the end.

A lot has been on my mind lately. Things have been up and down like a crazy rollercoaster that has a million ups and downs.

Recently, things have been so crazy for me. When I thought that everything was going great, things started going down. It just seems that happiness just doesn’t want to stick with me.

It’s so weird because I was such a happy girl when I was growing up. Then life and reality happened.

This has been a rough week for me. So many things have been going on.

On a positive note, I finally got a job. I mean, it’s good actually. It’s not anything that I would hate doing.

So my eyes have been getting worse lately and it’s so weird because my eyes are apparently perfectish but why can’t I see shit? I’m sorry but seriously!

asldkfjslfj. So I got in trouble yesterday. lskdjflaksjfd

blah, I’m so confused.

Okay bye

“The day of the LORD so comes as a thief in the night”

Today I woke up feeling NOT SICKY finally! Last week I was getting worse, but this week it’s like a new week. I still have small headaches here and there but it’s not that bad anymore. I can actually handle this. But the thing that does suck is the fact that my back pains are getting worse. My mom called the doctor today to find out what’s going on but they said they would call back. -sigh- I just wish they had the answers.

Anyways …

I’ve been feeling happy a lot these days. I’m not as sad or depressed. Just full of emotions. I realized that I hide all my hurt and pain behind all these smiles and joy but now it’s not like that. These smiles and joy are real. Well that’s how I feel. So that’s good.

Things are still not as 100% good as I want them to be. Things are slowly progressing but I just wish that it was faster. By praying and just talking it out I’m hoping that all of this issues in my life will get settled.

My family is still kinda distant. We walk in and no one talks to each other. Everyones either on the computer or watching t.v. There’s no more family dinners or talks or anything anymore. I wish things were back to the way they were before my grandma died. I feel like since she died things got distant. I really really hate it. I have so much regrets that I wish I could go back and do. I know that I shouldn’t regret, but honestly I am. I’m regretting the fact that I wasn’t the good daughter/grand-daughter that I could have been. There’s so much that I still need to do and take care of that this life is going by way to fast.

“May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in His works”

I’M REALLY BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH GREAT BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST AT GMBC. End of story!

“Therefore I live for today Certain of finding at sunrise Guidance and strength for the way. Power for each moment of weakness, Hope for each moment of pain, Comfort for every sorrow, Sunshine and joy after rain!”

I’m not pretty, I’m not skinny, I’m not smart and I’m not tall. But you know what? I’m still happy the way that I look. It bugs me to know that people who are pretty, smart, tall, skinny, etc don’t even know it and they go over board. Why aren’t you just happy with how god has created you? Honestly, that’s what I’ve asked myself plenty of times before. But I learned. GOD creates people differently because we are all unique. NO one is alike in this world. So appreciate what GOD has given you and what he plans to do with you and how you are like.

So it’s the 3rd day since I went back to school since break. My teachers are pretty nice and the classes don’t seem that hard. One thing that I am struggling with is that I can’t seem to focus on what the professors are teaching us. It’s like there’s a million things running around in my head that wants to get out or just not settle down. I want to just grab all the negativity and nonsense out of my head and just throw it away and just be kept with all the good and positive ones. But honestly, I don’t think that there’s anyone in this world that doesn’t go through this. I’ve been sitting in class trying to focus on what my teachers were saying but it’s like it goes in through one ear and out the other. It just won’t stay in my head. I feel like I have short term memory.

“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better”

I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I go to school, I always do things for my parents to make them happy but apparently none of these things are good enough for them. I feel like even in my own house I have to put on this face. First I thought I was putting on faces for friends and others now my own god damn family. When can I just be me! When I am just me things are never good enough so I do I have to keep pretending to be someone I’m not even to my own family?! This is such nonsense. I seriously don’t know how much of this I can honestly take.

Recently I shared things that were deep down in my heart with some close people and I realized that all I’m doing honestly, is hurting my self even more then I’m already hurt. I need to stop putting my guards up so high and just let things happen. I need to be aware of things but at the same time be upfront. I’m tired of this SHIT that I honestly had to put through. But things have been getting better these days. I think it’s because of all the prayers that I receive from people.

Until recently I haven’t prayed at all when I was home and had “free” time. But I just recently started to and you know what? it really helps. Especially spiritually! So that’s a good news.

I’m still in the state that I was before but not as bad as before. Now I’ve learned better about myself and things that I should spend my time on and things that I shouldn’t.

“On the first day of every week, each one of you should set aside a sum of money in keeping with his income, saving it up, so that when I come no collections will have to be made”

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

ALDKSFJSALJFLSJDFLKJSALDKFJLKSDJFLJALSDFJLASDKJFLSDJF. END OF STORY.

Okay no, not really.

So today was a crazy day. I finally got my financial aid. THANK YOU GOD! But I’m not really excited about having it. Mostly all of it is going to my parents because right now they need it more then I do. So today I payed off my debt so now that’s all taken care of. I took out a $100, just so that I could have cash but I already spent a lot of that. Anywaysssss, I’m not here to talk about my moneyyy.

So I was hanging out with Leena and Marcus today and we went to go watch 2012. You know, I know that I shouldn’t believe it because it’s just a movie, but sometimes you can’t help but just believe things that you see. It’s so scary how everything happened in the movie. I really hope that that’s not the way the world is going to end. I hope that it’ll be all peacefully, or better yet, the world not to end at all.

Sometimes I’m scared that I’ll be living my life just the way I am right now. I really don’t want to. I really want to change and have a better life style and make better choices/decisions. My mind set these days has been in such a big complicated puzzle that I just can’t seem to get it back into the right piece. It’s like it’s in a trillion little itty bitty pieces and no one can ever put it back in order. I’m so lost and confused.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”

I realized that GOD seriously provides miracles in our lives.

My financial situations been in a big wreck lately after the death of my grandma. My parents barely have any money, or in a sense that they don’t have any money, and that I was hoping to give my financial aid money to them. But then I heard that I wasn’t going to get any financial aid because of my academic probation.

But today, I woke up today to find out that I’m actually getting my financial aid. I really thought I wouldn’t be able to go to school because I wasn’t going to get any financial aid but then I got the email that said that I’m getting it so I was really relieved.

Also, I came home today to see that I had mail. It was the paper work for the accident that I got into in May. I’m happy that the case is getting done because its been stressful having to deal with all of this even though I really didn’t have much to with the case of dealing with it because the lawyer did all the work but still. I’m greatful that I had a lawyer that actually took care of Jessica and I. I found out that we were getting roughly $1700 each and I was really shocked because I didn’t know that we would get money out of it.

But with all of this being said, I’m not really excited to get the money. A lot of it is going towards my parents because of the financial state that we are in. We have to pay off a lot of bills and the rent. Also, I have to pay of my credit card bill that I went over. >< oopsies. Hehe.

Enough with that.

Today I went to prayer meeting. Honestly, I didn’t go with the mind set that I was going to pray because my head was hurting a lot so I didn’t really want to talk and such. But when I got there and heard of all the things that we were going to pray for, I truly and honestly prayed my heart out. So many things are going on in this world. Scary things I must say. There are times when I really don’t know what it’s personally like to go through things others are going through such as the mishap in Haiti. I was really sad to hear about the news. I wish there was something I could do such as just giving my time and volunteering to help out those that are in need. During prayer meeting, I was hoping to talk to someone about things that I was going through, but I didn’t. I felt like there was so much more that we needed to pray for that my life could be put on pause until things that are more important are let out.

I’m truly thankful for all the people that I have. I always say that I feel like I have no one, but honestly, I know that I have so much more then what I deserve.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Last night I went to bible study to realize that I really need to start praying better. Not better in a sense that you sucking but better as in for right reasons and with the right set of mind and heart. I honesty can say that I don’t pray for the right reasons. At least now I realized I don’t. I need to start praying more because I barely do.

During bible study it made me realize how much I really missed my grandma. They were talking about some saddening news that happened to a brother of ours in church and I couldn’t help but feel so sad about it. I mean I may not know exactly what it’s like to have someone commit such a big event in their life that would effect others but I do know what it’s like to loose someone really close to you. They were talking about him being in a coma and the hose that’s keeping him alive, and when they were talking about that it made me think about my grandma and how that happened to her before she died. I can’t help but be sad. Every time that I try to forget about what happened, every little thing keeps bringing it up.

I feel as if I have such a big SECRET kept up in me that I need to let it out. But honestly, I can’t because I don’t trust anyone. I truly and honestly need someone to talk to that won’t judge me and just understand me. But who can I go to for that?

They say that the things that you go through in your life is because GOD is doing in to show you teach you something but honestly I feel like he’s putting me through all this hardship for nothing. I don’t even know why he’s doing it. WHY LORD ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH ALL OF THIS? Get me out of it. That’s all I ask for. OR show me the reason why your doing this to me. Please I beg you lord. Do I really deserve all of this and is there really a reason behind all of it?

LORD SHOW ME THE LIGHT AND THE WAY BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT I WANT TO RELY ON.

“We learn wisdom from failure much more than success. We often discover what we will do by finding out what we will not do”

God provides miracles in everyones life. Where’s mine?

I woke up today thinking, what a dread waking up everyday sick. I woke up and knew in my mind that I had to go to the doctors to get my x-ray done. But what is going to come out of that? Another doctors visit? I’m sick of all these doctor visits. I just wish everything was cured. I got my x-rays taken and saw my results. Honestly, I don’t know what any of it means and what it should look like, but what I did saw doesn’t look right. :/

I went to eat with my mom at a Korean restaurant and ate kbbq. Its been a while since I had a “date” with my momma.

I went to Jessicas’ house after and Leena and I just stayed in her room talking with one another and just hanging out. They seriously are my all. They mean so much to me. They know when there is something on my mind and they pretty much know the whole basics of my life. I know those are the two I definitely can go to when I need someone to talk too.

A news flash. LEENA AND I GOT MARRIED AND HAD A SON NAME JESSICA. The end.

I’ve had so much on my mind these days. I feel like I’m going through so much in my life that I really don’t feel like I should be going through. When will GOD show me that he’s putting me through all of this for a reason? Because honestly GOD, I don’t see it.

You know, I was asked a question. Why am I not letting GOD into my life? Why am I not allowing him to help me? Honestly, I thought I was. But I wasn’t. I feel like GOD is seriously providing me with so much but I don’t know why I’m not accepting into my heart and mind. I NEED YOU LORD MORE THEN ANYTHING.

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD”

I feel like God has so much planned for my future.

Today was a mixed emotions day. I woke up for church hoping that at church I’d feel better and I’d be able to let everything out, and I pretty much did in my tears and my sorrow. I had so much emotions built up in me that I just let it out. I have so much on my mind and so much things going on with me that I feel like my heads just about to explode. I seriously need someone to talk to. Someone who won’t judge me, but someone that’ll just listen and understand me. I really don’t know who I can go to for that. No matter what, people will always judge you and that really bugs me because I feel like I can’t be honest with anyone and just let myself out. Throughout the day it was just whatever. Another typical day. At night Leena, Jessica, Kevin and I went to NRB and I really wanted to sick, but my stupid sickness wouldn’t let me. Every time I was singing my head would start to hurt and my voice would crack like crazy.

I got home this night thinking, I need to sit down and just think. I need to set my priorities straight and get my head back into focus.

Schools about to start and seriously, I don’t want this to go on any further.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”

Yet another day has passed with this horrible headache and backache. I didn’t go to sleep last night, well I guess you would say not until this morning at 8o’clock. I woke up roughly around 3ish with a horrible headache.

Another day with hanging out with my girls. Met up with a long time friend that I haven’t seen in forever. Good times good times. Pretty much a battlefield day. Tried to let all my emotions out at NRB but that was just a failure.

I have so much stress/emotions/anger/etc that I seriously need to let out. I just want to go to the end of the world and just scream my lungs out! Maybe after that, I’ll feel a bit better. Hm, maybe? I don’t know.

I don’t really have much to say about today.

“Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory”

So I was planning to write a blog everday starting from the 14th. But I missed the 15th because I was out all day and didn’t come home till the day passed so in a way it’s still the same day. So I’ll be explaining about this day.

Today was seriously a mixed emotion days. First I started off with waking up to a crazy back ache. But what’s new. Then after, Leena came over. She waited while I got all dolled up to go out. Joyce came over since she didn’t have a ride home. We went to do some stuff and then came back and went to eat. Blah blah blah. So then after, things got pretty complicated blah blah blah. Went to dangoojang aka pool place and was there for a second then split off. Blah blah blah. Then church came about. Was really motivated and inspired by the guest speakers that we had. Two missionaries from Nepal spoke. I honestly was trying to listen my hardest but I couldn’t really focus. I was feeling so nautious and fainty and sick and I seriously wanted to get out of there. After church we went to In-n-out and ate. I just drank a shake though so yeah. I really didn’t want to go home so we went to play, well more like watch the guys play basketball. It was a pretty interesting time. Joyce and I started playing around with a few people and then after a while everyone started showing up. Throughout the times that the boys were playing ball some of the girls and a couple of guys played a game called “boomshikaboomboomboomboom”. I must say, WHAT AN INTERESTING GAME. It’s freaking hilarious though. Pretty overall, my day was GOOD. But once I got home that’s when things got worse. Got in trouble for coming home late. But the problem was, my parents weren’t as mad at me because I came home late but my freaking annoying ass brother got me in trouble. Seriously, he’s always the reason that I get in trouble. I really want to move out of this house. I can’t stand living here.

Bleh. I was looking at my horoscope and I was confused. It said … “Somewhere between late this afternoon and early this evening, you’ll need to make a decision: Whether to let a secret finally see the light of day, or keep it under wraps. Use that famous intuition of yours to make your decision. Remember to consider the future of all parties concerned. Don’t feel guilty if your ultimate decision is to open up and let the truth be told. Every now and then, clearing the air is really the best tactic — for everyone.” Hm, do I have a secret that I don’t even know about? Well hopefully once this day passes through I’ll know what it means.

BTW, did I mention the fact that I found out that I’m on freaking academic provision?! IT’S NOT EVEN … well it is my fault… BUT IT’S NOT! So I took 5 classes my first semester but 2/5 were remedial and those 2 classes that were remedial was the classes that I did good on. So it didn’t count the good classes for my G.P.A and only my bad ones. So I the 3/5 classes that did count towards G.P.A was horrible. I didn’t know that if you did bad or w/e you didn’t get financial aid. I’m freaking screwed! asdfjlaksdfjksldafjlaksd. I just want to scream right now! DID I MENTION THAT I’M SCREWED? WELL I AM. Lord please, help me. I know that I don’t deserve it, but please show me a sign that everything will be alright.

“Never let life’s hardships disturb you, no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages.”